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September 23, 2015September 23, 2015

How to Avoid Boredom in a Relationship

Have you been in a relationship for some time now? By that I mean, the honeymoon stage has been super fun and now things are a bit different.

Just as we learn to walk and talk at a very young age, we learn to get comfortable and familiar in our relationship, so it’s only natural the honeymoon stage is a stage we go through to then go to the next.

I just wanna say right off the bat … if you’re relationship is feeling dull, it’s only because there is a good amount of safety!

That’s wonderful!

The boredom just means energy is low and nothing exciting is occurring. That’s all.

How can I bring the energy up and infuse a bit of romance, you ask?

When you’re ready, get your coffee or your cuppa tea, and watch today’s episode on how to do just that from a consensus of research on….How to Avoid Boredom in a Relationship.

Just because the honeymoon stage is over, doesn’t mean romance is over. On the contrary, my friend, it’s only the beginning.

Nothing is more romantic than commitment, loyalty, kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration, respect, validation, support, you name it!

Romance is long-term. The Honeymoon Stage is short-term.

You don’t want lust—you want romance!

BTW, I take you to a nice restaurant in London (at the end of the video) you might want to check out if you visit London.

[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/-z4FjI4w13U” embed_style=”default” animation=”bottom-to-top”]

Tweet it!

And like I said at the end of the video, pick 1 tip to put into action this week—even if you’re not feeling the boredom, it’s a nice boost.

I’m also looking for recommendations of other French restaurants, so please, com’ on over and share them in the comments.

September 16, 2015September 16, 2015

WARNING: 5 Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist Before Hiring Them

Many therapists face a frustrating reality: Couples are commonly seeking therapy as a source of negotiation for divorce.

Among the highest qualified therapists, there is an agreed perception in the field: It has been based on opinion for too long, rather than proven strategies. Thankfully, we are seeing the best research emerge—that sidesteps opinions—from Levenson, Johnson, Gottman and so many other relationship science researchers.

Now, for marriage counseling and relationship education to be successful, two things must occur:

Couples should be informed ahead of time about the need for support and guidance before it’s too late.
Therapists must be informed on what is proving to work rather than base their practice on personal opinion.

Although, there are mediocre therapists—we all know that—there are educators without any credentials yet are more proficient in their work with couples and there are those overbooked therapists that eliminate any skepticism one might’ve had.

To keep you informed on the latest research and help you weed out any incompetent therapists or educators, I’ve condensed the top 5 questions to ask a potential therapist or educator before hiring them.

The video presents the questions and below I shed some light on the answers you might hope to hear.

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1. Do you have experience helping couples overcome _____ problem?

This question came from Julie Baumgardner from First Things First. Fill in the blank with your own problem to get an idea how well-equipped is the therapist/educator to help you.

2. How do you know when a relationship is doomed?

Michelle Weiner-Davis encouraged a room full of well over a thousand Smart Marriage Conference attendees in 2010 to ask questions before hiring a therapist to find one that will help, not make things worse. She said to ask this question and if they give an answer, then look elsewhere. Gottman’s research suggests that he can tell when there is hope for a couple if they are able to reflect on their memories with some hint of fondness, but if they recreate their memories with a negative outlook, they themselves aren’t in it. There’s not much a therapist/educator can do when a couple is not interested in continuing the relationship, but sometimes they are not comfortable saying it right away or realize they don’t want the relationship to work.

3. Can you describe your background and training in helping other couples?

Credentials and licensing give many couples some relief and certainty the therapist is professionally adequate. Nonetheless, there are plenty with certifications and licenses that can’t cut it. There are educators without credentials but with extensive training and personal experience of “been there” that are better capable than a random therapist you’ll find in a phone book. These questions are to guide you in finding which therapist/educator fits your needs and can essentially connect with you.

4. Do you believe communication and problem-solving skills are key to successful relationships?

Here is where grandmother’s advice collides with actual proven methods. Communication and problem-solving skills are definitely essential for a healthy relationship, but it being key and the salvation is a myth. The reason for much miscommunication and resistance to problem-solving derives from resentment of some sort of betrayal. Inevitably making it difficult to participate in finding a solution or speaking respectfully when you lack trust. I’m not just talking of fidelity, but of many other ways we can betray our partner. I wrote extensively about this topic for Bustle you can read more about here. So if a therapist/educator believe this is key, it would be like beating around the bush and never getting to the core issue. It’s right under our noses and we find difficulty pinpointing why we feel betrayed, why we feel resentful, or why we feel unloved. You can read more about this in Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.

5. What is your cancellation policy and typical duration of services?

Trivial, but necessary. You want to know ahead of time if you will be charged for not showing up. I charge if I am not notified 24 hours ahead of time. Money is important, and since this is a costly investment, you don’t want to waste it. It’s good to know ahead of time how long the investment will continue. There are some that purposely drag out their services to continue charging. I personally, do not like to waste people’s time. I understand consistency is life-changing, but there is no need to drag things out.

If you add questions about their success rate, the highest you might hear is 75% or maybe even 40%. These are honest numbers. I would be skeptical if someone told me their success rate is 100%. We don’t want a fictional superhero to save the day. We want something we can use with reality—our own personal reality.

I’m curious to know, your own experience with a therapist or educator. Did you ask questions beforehand? Were they effective? What do you think is missing in the marriage counseling and relationship education field?

Resources to find a therapist or educator:

PsychologyToday.com

Gottman.com

SmartMarraiges.com

September 9, 2015September 9, 2015

What Could Be Worse Than Cheating?

We’re back from a nice break! A little bit of exercise and mostly catch up.

But during my break, an article came out on an interview I did with Bustle and it was a huge hit!

You can read the full article here.

I wrote about what many couples don’t realize is the cause of their pain—basically worse than cheating!

What’s more, knowing this can prevent a divorce and not only allow you to survive as a couple, but really feel good about your relationship and yourself.

Dr. John Gottman uncovered this “secret relationship killer” after 30 years of research. He observed thousands of couples, tracked their marital life and combed through specifics to compare those that stayed married unhappily, stayed married happily, and those that didn’t make it.

His research are the only of its kind.
In light of this popular and necessary topic, I added the first step to salvage the relationship when facing the “secret relationship killer” in a short (less than 2 minutes) video.

[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/rNnP7GVfBEs” embed_style=”default”]

After you read the article and watch video, I’d love to know your thoughts! Do you agree or disagree? Do you think there is hope for a couple facing the “secret killer”? What if they don’t know it’s present?

August 12, 2015August 12, 2015

Why You Need A Vacation

How many times a day do you check your email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Persicope?

I’m with ya. I may not check them all everyday, but at least one everyday, except weekends. I do my best to unplug on the weekends. I don’t like the feeling of digital overload.

All to say, that we all we need a vacation.

Not vacation from work to be on Instagram. But vacation from the digital world.

Is it me or does summer and the month of August call for it?

A vacation needs to be taken seriously. Here’s why.

There are numerous studies on the dire need for us to vacation. We are overworked, overstressed, and overwhelmed.

The NY Times says it’s time to party like it’s 1999, without digital drama. You can say that again!

So for 3 weeks we are Closing Our Business for Vacation.

I hope you do too!

It’s so much healthier to take a break and come back refreshed!

The Harvard Business Review posted in their article, Making Time Off Predictable—And Required, the research on taking time off:

“We found that when the assumption that everyone needs to be always available was collectively challenged, not only could individuals take time off, but their work actually benefited. Our experiments with time off resulted in more open dialogue among team members, which is valuable in itself. But the improved communication also sparked new processes that enhanced the teams’ ability to work most efficiently and effectively.”

To reduce stress, we reduce the risk of a heart attack. Our health is what keeps us strong and fortified to produce our own work and creativity.

Let’s invest in our health, shall we?

To be able to offer you a better service, and keep my own sanity, we will come back from vacation on September 7th, with lots of energy and passion!

Hope you do the same by choosing something to refresh and restore yourself.

Go to the spa
Have a staycation
Visit that cafe you always walk by but never had the time to stop by
Revisit an old hobby
Take a bike ride
Take a yoga class
Revisit your new year’s resolutions
Cook up your favorite recipes
Go out to dinner
Go to the theatre
Start meditating
Watch the movie you’ve been wanting to watch
Make plans for the future
Go out dancing
Visit a museum
Start an exercise routine
Take our free 30-Day Communication Challenge!

Whichever way you choose to rejuvenate, make it special, enjoy it, and remember that there are people that love you and want to see you happy! Most importantly, do this for yourself!

Have a great holiday!

August 5, 2015August 5, 2015

The Powerful Trick to Hear Each Other’s Thoughts

Can you imagine listening to every thought people had?

At first you might be thinking, what a great opportunity! It might be something embarrassing or humorous to hear each other’s thoughts.

Then of course, it might be overwhelming.

We may not want to hear every single thought. It might be startling to know what people really think of us.

Yet, we want to be understood and we want to understand what the other person’s thoughts are behind their message or body language.

If we could just read minds, maybe we would avoid misunderstandings and know already what the other person wants. Well, that would be impossible. We, ourselves, don’t even know what we want sometimes.

The powerful trick I’m talking of is used for CONNECTION. We call it EMPATHY.

Empathy is the ability to get in another person’s shoes, without judgment, restriction or resistance.

It’s being able to see how the other person perceives things with the way they grew up and the people that have been in their lives and the experiences they’ve had.

When you can listen and hear the thoughts and feelings that are NOT said behind a simple message, you are using the powerful tool of empathy.

When you not only understand it and tune in, but also comment about it, you become the hero of validation!

Here is the step-by-step process of tuning in and sharing with empathy:

Pick a topic that gives you positive or negative feelings, nothing neutral.
Sit comfortably, facing each other, leaning in attentively. Hold hands if you’d like.
Allow one person to share first
Find the underlining feelings behind the message, as you listen.
Ask them to pause when they are sharing more than you can remember to repeat back.
Repeat back in your own words what they said with the underlining feelings you believe. (Allow them to correct you)
If the underlining feelings were off base, accept the correction and repeat back with the correct underlining feelings.
Ask if there is more, with a body language and tone of voice that shows curiosity.
Repeat steps 4-8, until they are finished.
When finished, share an appreciation to encourage future sharing and your ongoing support.
Switch roles. Or schedule a time for the next person’s turn. If you didn’t finish in one sitting, schedule another time to finish.

Example:

Jane: It’s about work. I feel that I put in more hours and work the longest, while everyone is having a good time.

Joe: I hear that you are overwhelmed and feel that all your work is worthless. It’s seems like they don’t appreciate you. (Not changing the message, but using own words and finding deeper, vulnerable words [overwhelmed, worthless] to show it is safe to share and it won’t be judged. Remember that body language and tone of voice have to be gentle and kind.)

Jane: Yeah. I can’t seem to make my boss happy. He is always so upset. Then I come home and I see you drinking coffee while you work at home and spend more time with our son.

Joe: Ah, I can see how being stepped on all day can feel deflating. And it must feel like a difficult sacrifice when you can’t spend as much time with our son as you’d like. It’s stressful to be the only one with a heavy burden.

Jane: Yes, thank you for understanding. (She is finished sharing and is most likely open to suggestions)

Joe: I don’t want you to feel alone in this problem. You can quit your job and find something at home. We can do fine with my job alone, just a little tight, but your happiness is more important.

Jane: I guess I’m scared to leave. Well, I was, because I thought you wouldn’t like that idea.

Joe: I don’t think you should put yourself through that.

Jane: Thank you honey!

When you try it at home, start with a topic that doesn’t involve the other person, as you build friendship, trust, and connection, it’s easier to show understanding when the problem isn’t attacking the listener.

After tuning into each other, you’ll be spinning in delight.

(Images from Roshulstumblr)

July 30, 2015April 8, 2016

The Simple Secrets to Overcome Communication Problems

I think it’s safe to say that Alfred and I aren’t the only ones that can miscommunicate.

As I’ve learned in the kitchen there are tricks to make things tastier (I’m trying to learn how to cook and I’m starting with some simple recipes), there are also tricks to make communication easier.

Not perfect! That would be impossible. But let’s just say, very easy to manage.

Today’s video is all about how to get our message across without getting louder, using the cold shoulder, mind reading, or giving up.

When I get a little lazy and don’t apply these tricks I end up approaching my husband with, “I told you! I absolutely told you! We talked about this. I thought we were on the same page?”

Oops! I wasn’t. I might’ve used a little mind reading.

We can’t get it right every time, but the more we try the more it becomes a habit.

These simple secrets make it ridiculously easy to overcome any communication problems.

[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/cEEJKGojAps” embed_style=”default”]

After you watch the video, try the 2 simple secrets in your communication this week and see if it improves, catch yourself where you might not have stuck to it, and write about it in your journal.

It’s good to reflect on your practice and to share with someone, even your partner what you are trying to do.

In the business world, it’s recommended to keep accountability partners, someone we share with what we will commit to and report to them our progress.

Give it a try. I’m cheering you on!

If you’re ready to feel completely heard and validated, then you’re up for a FREE challenge: The 11-Day Communication Challenge. We’re sponsoring this one over at Love Savvy Club.

BTW, if you’re a FRIENDS fanatic like me, you can watch the entire video here of “The One That Goes Behind The Scenes”

July 22, 2015July 22, 2015

10 Different Ways We Betray Our Partner

Betrayal is a common synonym with affair. Yet, there are many ways we betray our partner, or feel betrayed by our partner, that feels as bad as an extramarital affair.

The danger is when neither of them recognize it by swearing their faithfulness and misplace the marital issues on causes of negativity, communication or problem solving. When in fact, there are other sources of infidelity and betrayal that are at the cause of it. No matter how much you talk about it, it won’t prevent divorce unless the cause is identified.

Let’s uncover all the ways we may be unfaithful as identified thus far, thanks to Dr. John Gottman from his book What Makes Love Last?.

1. Conditional Commitment

“I’m here for you … until someone better comes along.” This isn’t unusual when pressures to marry or cohabitate exist. The commitment is limited by the person, because they aren’t invested. It can be because of convenience or pressure that they are in the relationship.

2. A Nonsexual Affair

Having a friend (at work, at the gym, at the coffee shop) with who you share personal details that your current partner would feel uncomfortable with.

3. Lying

This begins, sometimes, to avoid arguments, so secrets are kept (when giving money away to a dependent relative). “Lies that are uttered to maintain the peace are a breach of trust,” says Gottman. If the person is a chronic liar, then a psychotherapist can help break the habit.

4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner

Sharing personal complaints about your partner with relatives or friends can form the unintended consequence of bullying your partner. It’s important to keep silent on marital conflict and not involve those that will use that information against your partner.

5. Absenteeism or Coldness

During a time of emotional need, when one needs the other’s support (for positive or negative) and the person is unavailable or simply not present. Then responding with coldness by not sharing feelings of abandonment. Here both partners participate in betrayal.

6. Withdrawal of Sexual Interest

If the simple weekend away, candles, wine, and massages aren’t putting you back on track, there are deeper issues interrupting satisfying a need. Negatively comparing a partner’s weight, attractiveness, age, etc., are damaging and a big “turn off” to the injured. In any case, withdrawing is an injury in itself.

7. Disrespect

Giving the implication of inferiority is a form of betrayal and emotional abuse. This involves correcting grammar, criticizing, rolling eyes, name calling, implying their lack of intelligence, and anything to clarify how above you are the other person.

8. Unfairness

Although we teach our kids, life is unfair, and it is, Gottman explicitly says: “a loving, long-term relationship should be a haven from injustice. This is not a Pollyanna attitude. It’s a fundamental of love.” Nurture your relationship by not taking advantage of your partner.

9. Selfishness

Co-existing requires adaptation and flexibility. When refusing to making sacrifices needed for the benefit of the relationship or family (if you have children) can be a sign of deep-seated needs and fears.

10. Breaking Promises

“A broken vow is as perilous to love as an intentional lie.” It’s much better to be honest and upfront than to hide and jeopardize the trust you have already earned. It’s difficult and straining when addiction governs a person, because promises to “change” doesn’t follow through the betrayal is heavily burdened each time for the partner.

All these types of betrayal weigh on a relationship and stress levels sky-rocket. But when you work on trust, rebuilding it, and maintaining it, then a safe and happy relationship will easily develop. You can learn more in What Makes Love Last?

July 15, 2015July 15, 2015

FREE 30-Day Communication Challenge Now Available!

We’re absolutely delighted to offer the full Communication Challenge for FREE to you.

It’s time-sensitive to get this baby free, so take advantage.

What’s inside the Challenge?

1. Your NEW Communication Challenge (totally free for a short time)

This challenge is a complete package, based on all the best research, with super easy to read tips (1 a day) and step-by-step tasks (only 1 a day) for a full education and training to achieve genuine and caring communication. After completing the challenge, you’ll learn top strategies that allow you to feel heard, understood and validated.

2. Don’t want to wait and want access now to all 30 tips/tasks?

When you upgrade for the paid version you get instant access to the entire Challenge. You can easily skim through, use what applies for you today, and personalize the order to fit your lifestyle.

3. More Chances For Better Communication, the bonus!

When you upgrade, you also get the shortest weekly email (texts coming soon) to remind you of tasks and tips that you are learning and to help you apply them.

Quick note…

You are capable and worthy of healthy communication. Obtaining the knowledge on how to communicate effectively, how to satisfy your needs, how to feel respected, and how to co-exist with your partner even in difficult times can offer you the support and life you want and deserve.

We are honored to provide you this 30-Day Communication Challenge so that you can live in a home where you feel safe, supported, have a sense of belonging, and feel comfortable to bring up things that matter to you.

If you’re ready to get this now, get the FREE 30-Day Communication Challenge here. It’s available now for a short time for free.

If you’re ready to upgrade and download the entire challenge with the bonus, get the Full 30-Day Communication Challenge Instantly here.

It’s with great pleasure we provide this life-changing offer, as a token of appreciation for all those that helped us in our most challenging moments.

We truly hope you take advantage and get the love life you deserve!