Many therapists face a frustrating reality: Couples are commonly seeking therapy as a source of negotiation for divorce.
Among the highest qualified therapists, there is an agreed perception in the field: It has been based on opinion for too long, rather than proven strategies. Thankfully, we are seeing the best research emerge—that sidesteps opinions—from Levenson, Johnson, Gottman and so many other relationship science researchers.
Now, for marriage counseling and relationship education to be successful, two things must occur:
- Couples should be informed ahead of time about the need for support and guidance before it’s too late.
- Therapists must be informed on what is proving to work rather than base their practice on personal opinion.
Although, there are mediocre therapists—we all know that—there are educators without any credentials yet are more proficient in their work with couples and there are those overbooked therapists that eliminate any skepticism one might’ve had.
To keep you informed on the latest research and help you weed out any incompetent therapists or educators, I’ve condensed the top 5 questions to ask a potential therapist or educator before hiring them.
The video presents the questions and below I shed some light on the answers you might hope to hear.
[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/igRI4to46ZQ” embed_style=”default” animation=”bottom-to-top”]
1. Do you have experience helping couples overcome _____ problem?
This question came from Julie Baumgardner from First Things First. Fill in the blank with your own problem to get an idea how well-equipped is the therapist/educator to help you.
2. How do you know when a relationship is doomed?
Michelle Weiner-Davis encouraged a room full of well over a thousand Smart Marriage Conference attendees in 2010 to ask questions before hiring a therapist to find one that will help, not make things worse. She said to ask this question and if they give an answer, then look elsewhere. Gottman’s research suggests that he can tell when there is hope for a couple if they are able to reflect on their memories with some hint of fondness, but if they recreate their memories with a negative outlook, they themselves aren’t in it. There’s not much a therapist/educator can do when a couple is not interested in continuing the relationship, but sometimes they are not comfortable saying it right away or realize they don’t want the relationship to work.
3. Can you describe your background and training in helping other couples?
Credentials and licensing give many couples some relief and certainty the therapist is professionally adequate. Nonetheless, there are plenty with certifications and licenses that can’t cut it. There are educators without credentials but with extensive training and personal experience of “been there” that are better capable than a random therapist you’ll find in a phone book. These questions are to guide you in finding which therapist/educator fits your needs and can essentially connect with you.
4. Do you believe communication and problem-solving skills are key to successful relationships?
Here is where grandmother’s advice collides with actual proven methods. Communication and problem-solving skills are definitely essential for a healthy relationship, but it being key and the salvation is a myth. The reason for much miscommunication and resistance to problem-solving derives from resentment of some sort of betrayal. Inevitably making it difficult to participate in finding a solution or speaking respectfully when you lack trust. I’m not just talking of fidelity, but of many other ways we can betray our partner. I wrote extensively about this topic for Bustle you can read more about here. So if a therapist/educator believe this is key, it would be like beating around the bush and never getting to the core issue. It’s right under our noses and we find difficulty pinpointing why we feel betrayed, why we feel resentful, or why we feel unloved. You can read more about this in Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.
5. What is your cancellation policy and typical duration of services?
Trivial, but necessary. You want to know ahead of time if you will be charged for not showing up. I charge if I am not notified 24 hours ahead of time. Money is important, and since this is a costly investment, you don’t want to waste it. It’s good to know ahead of time how long the investment will continue. There are some that purposely drag out their services to continue charging. I personally, do not like to waste people’s time. I understand consistency is life-changing, but there is no need to drag things out.
If you add questions about their success rate, the highest you might hear is 75% or maybe even 40%. These are honest numbers. I would be skeptical if someone told me their success rate is 100%. We don’t want a fictional superhero to save the day. We want something we can use with reality—our own personal reality.
I’m curious to know, your own experience with a therapist or educator. Did you ask questions beforehand? Were they effective? What do you think is missing in the marriage counseling and relationship education field?
Resources to find a therapist or educator:
PsychologyToday.com
Gottman.com
SmartMarraiges.com