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7 Relationship Rules You Need to Break

 

 

These relationship rules are still, sadly, penetrating our minds today. Even though there is so much available proof that they don’t work!

Ignore the antiquated love rules. These are 7 relationship rules to break, for the unavoidable reasons below.

For the sake of romance, happiness, and sanity…you’ve gotta break these relationship rules.

 

[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/rexUlOvImjc” embed_style=”default”]

 

Rule #1: If my partner really loved me….they wouldn’t let me down.

Reality Check: We’re going to let each other down—no matter how much we love each other. That’s a fact.

Break it like this: With time we learn what pains us or simply irritates us. This information helps us consider our partner and reduce the damage. If we dont’ share what hurts us, then we are keeping the door open for it to surely happen. Then again, even if we tell our partner—or remind them every month to make sure they know—we will forget, we get lazy, we will put ourselves first, or we will do it deliberately. If we fall apart every time this happens, it will be difficult to strengthen the relationship. One fall, does not determine your relationship. If heavy disappointment is a regular part of your life as much as coffee, then this is more than the usual let down healthy couples make. Don’t allow yourself to be deserving of constant battles. This rule-breaker is to calm the anxiety of an infrequent let down, not to convince you to be submissive to heartache.

 

Rule #2: Don’t be jealous. It’s a sign of insecurity.

Reality Check: We all have insecurities. We are all insecure for different reasons.

Break it like this: There is plenty of advice for women to not get overly jealous, assuming she’s insecure. News flash: insecurities are nothing to be ashamed of. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but hear me out. We deserve a partner that will accept us, seek to understand us, and be sensitive to our concerns. Both partner’s concerns and needs are equally important. One partner’s concerns or insecurities aren’t less important than their partner’s. We would be hiding who we really are if we just show our most appealing side. It’s easy to love someone that is genuine. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into thinking your insecure and your partner has reasons not to trust you. Jealousy, or any insecurity, is a sign that a need hasn’t been met. Do some soul-searching to find out what that need might be.

 

Rule #3: Fighting ends up in Divorce.

Reality Check: Having a fight every so often is fine. Daily screaming matches is not!

Break it like this: A healthy couple will have a good match, screaming even, in rare occasion. Usually, they can stick to a respectful discussion that doesn’t allow negativity or attacks. Depending on how you define “fighting,” it is healthy to disclose an issue gently, and not avoid confrontation all together. Sweeping things under the rug to ‘keep the peace’ is not only risking the well-being of your relationship but also your own physical health. No matter how much you exercise and practice good nutrition, bottling up your anger and resentment is as if you weren’t doing any exercise or healthy eating. Conflict and confrontation is necessary to be aired out when both partners agree to talk calmly and make an effort to work things out. Or else it feels like a lost cause, and romantic feelings for each other evaporate with the hope of solving issues.

 

Rule #4: Treat others (your partner in this case) the way you want to be treated.

Reality check: Don’t assume your partner likes things the same way you do. The quotes from the couple in the video are from my husband and me. 

Break it like this: Instead, in a romantic relationship, treat your partner the way they want to be treated. For some reason, we go out of our way to do something for our partner, something we would like done for us, and feel a tad, or drastically, resentful when we don’t get a little love back for what we did. My husband is a thorough cleaner and use to think that would bring some appreciation, but I hardly noticed, instead I noticed he wasn’t making any candlelit dinners for special occasions—perhaps he was tired from all that cleaning. Once we figured this out, it’s been a growing process for the both of us.

 

Rule #5: Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus.

Reality check: We’re both from Earth.

Break it like this: There are for sure differences, but not as many as you think, or as the popular book lays out. The book is not based on research, but has a few good points. There is just a big piece missing. All the similarities that we do share. When both genders were asked in a large survey what they would like to find in a lifemate, there weren’t any notable differences. It’s dangerous to generalize a gender into one category. Thinking there are inapproachable differences and feeling your on opposing teams only feeds conflict and hopelessness.

 

Rule #6: Play hard to get

Reality check: One key component to intimacy is personal sharing. Playing hard to get prevents that.

Break it like this: Couples who practice more personal sharing are happier, enjoy better health, like each other more than those who don’t. Our brain responds to personal sharing the same way we respond to food and sex. How’s that for intimacy and bonding?

Intimacy is a product of having acceptance and support for our needs and desires. If dating someone doesn’t spark acceptance when you share personal things, then intimacy cannot grow. If you avoid them then there isn’t an opportunity for personal sharing, therefore, interest can fade and they know very little about you. You can keep some mystery, don’t give away the farm, but if you act like you’re too busy, you look aloof. We naturally share when others share. You want your partner to tell you things they doesn’t share with anyone else. But they won’t tell you anything if they believe you are simply not interested.

 

Rule #7: Don’t talk about the kids during date nights.

Reality check: Talking about the kids does not create distance.

Break it like this: Talk about whatever you want to talk about. If you’re parents, then it’s only natural that you want to talk about this new endeavor you both share as a team. Remember, personal sharing builds intimacy. If you’re not talking about your dreams of the future, that obviously involve the kids, then that leaves you with limited options for intimacy. Cheating sometimes begins with confiding and sharing with someone that doesn’t react with judgment. If you’re not sharing with each other, then you leave an opportunity to share with someone else.

On Valentine’s Day a few years back, my husband and I went to Il Fornaio in Irvine for a romantic evening, but we weren’t in the mood. Earlier that day, we had come to the conclusion that our son would be homeschooled. There was a lack of involvement from the school and we had tried several at this point. His safety was a big concern. How could we get in the mood with something like this on our shoulders. All we talked about was our concerns, our worries, our hopes, our desires. After dinner we had planned to watch Silver Linings Playbook, and we decided to go anyway. The film was a sweet reminder of the silver lining in our lives, no matter how gray the clouds are. Perfect timing for the film to be released. Obviously, for my own selfish reasons. By the end of the night, we both felt supported—not alone facing this ordeal—and full of hope because we have each other. What could be more romantic than feeling that your partner is there beside you, taking on the challenge with you?

 

There is a simple theme going on with these relationship rules to break. Knowing your partner.

If you feel like you barely know your partner, and it’s been some time, then what’s holding you back? Or them back?

I encourage all the couples I work with to be CURIOUS.

Find out more about your partner. Go behind the surface with love and gentleness, so you will be invited all the way in.

If you don’t, someone else will.

Not everybody will allow this. There are some of us that don’t feel comfortable at all opening up, so it’s granted we won’t even cheat. But who knows what could happen if you make things comfortable, unforced and safe?

Tell me, would you add to this list? Or is there one rule-breaker that truly speaks to you?

 

 

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My Partner Is In Denial

 

 

“I don’t want to make things worse,” is the fear we face when wanting to address an issue.

But what can be worse than living with the problem and never resolving it. Usually, when it’s not resolved, it snowballs into something bigger, something even more worse than confronting it.

In my experience, couples that come to therapy or a coaching session, even the ones that say “my partner is in denial,” are aware they need help managing their feelings better, and are open to learning how to do it better. Your partner is also trying to make sense of things in their own way, the only way they know how to cope, and you are not the only one feeling frustrated or insecure.

There is a Spanish saying in Mexico, “no se puede tapar el sol con un dedo,” as we lift our thumbs.

Translation: You can’t cover the sun with one [thumb].

We are decieving ourselves if we think we can. That’s an illusion. (We become exhausted holding our arm up to keep the sun covered as it moves throughout the day.)

What’s more, we are making an unsatisfying commitment to keep the issues present, knicking at us, pestering us, and weighing us down.

Having a third person present can soften the intenisty of a conflict and secures that both of you have a chance to speak and be heard respectfully.

 

The possible ways our partner shows they aren’t on board to solve an issue:

  • Denial: refusing to admit or acknowledge our mistakes.

We either conveniently forget or bluntly dismiss our own wrongdoings. Sadly, we manipulate the situation to say we didn’t mean it or “it’s normal.” In reality, when one person is hurt, we cannot deny they are hurt, or the cause of it didn’t happen. It takes a lot of courage to say, “what I did caused you pain.” It doesn’t mean we have to agree, or that it would cause us the same amount of pain, but being in a relationship calls for a certain amount of compassion. Meaning, to recognize the pain and what caused it. We each feel pain for different reasons, thus, accepting this puts you ahead of the game, because it’s difficult to comprehend or understand someone else’s reasons for their pain, when we can’t relate. News flash! We rarely share the same reasons, just as 2 children with the same autistic diagnosis don’t share all the same traits. We possess individual differences, and learning to respect each other’s reasons for pain, laughter, sadness, repulsion, and joy, is the healthiest way to embrace each other.

  • Minimizing: to reduce the issue to the smallest possible amount or degree.

Many of us have done this in hot need, regardless of our good or bad intentions. As I mentioned in denial, the problem may not cause the same amount of pain as it does to our partner, so the issue seems small on its own. To treat it as such when it’s obvious our partner feels it one of the highest forms of treason, then we are minimizing and ignoring our partner’s feelings—not entirely, we acknowledge a small degree.

  • Blaming: placing full responsibility on another to reduce their shame and guilt.

It is dreadful to be smothered in muddy shame and to be reminded of our stupidity. No thanks, I’d rather throw the mud on someone else. We don’t want to be defeated and walk the parade of shame. It’s uncomfortable and it causes so much despair.

  • Rationalizing: offering an explanation or reason to provide an excuse.

We can get so clever at giving a rational explanation it sounds almost logical. There’s no way our partner can fight against it, because we’ve shared it in a way that makes perfect sense. Although later, our partner will reflect and realize that it’s not right at all. It can be dangerous when the partner compares themselves to others as better then other partners to excuse his/her abuse. There is simply no excuse or good reason for abuse. But just because they aren’t hitting you, doesn’t mean ignoring you can have good rational explanation. If you feel betrayed, then explanations do not suffice, only solutions.

 

When your partner doesn’t think there is anything wrong with the relationship.

If our partner is content with the way things are, or doesn’t want to open up a can of worms, we might be worried they will dismiss getting any help. Or as some couples I’ve worked with, consistently refuse to get any help. There is a fear that opening the can of worms will be much more petrifying than just leaving things the way they are now. Yes, the unknown is scary. Facing our darkest emotions is horrifying. That we cannot rush. We can only be encouraing and patient.

I have worked with couples with all approaches, and it often turns out to be more relieving than it was anticipated.

It’s best to check up on the relationship, instead of waiting when it’s too late, or things are just much much harder.

Kristen Bell recommends regular therapy sessions as with her experience, counseling check ups feel like having a trainer at the gym, or a recipe for cooking. I find it a little more vital than that, such as a regular teeth cleaning, or an oil change. That’s just my perception. That may be because it felt like medicine when our problems were so bad.

 

When your partner doesn’t believe in counseling.

We get skeptical when there are so many poor reports on marital counseling. It’s not highly regarded and yes, it was based on opinion for too long.

There can be many reasons they aren’t interested to seek counseling. Perhaps they had a bad experience, don’t feel comfortable sharing personal stuff with a stranger, or believe that relationships are either ‘meant to be’ or not.

It’s best to test it out without making a commitment.

Test different therapists and interview them before deciding on one. If therapy is not what you’re looking for, join a local support group where you will meet others that are in the same boat as you.

It’s intersting how we think we are the only ones going through these struggles and then we meet others with the same concerns.

 

The one thing you can do right now.

Let them know you love them and want to work on the relationship, but sometimes you are unsure how to do that and you need the help. Don’t say they need the help. You just need their support on seeking help, if they can join you.

If they decide not to join you, you can learn on your own.

When you go by yourself, that may be enough to spark a change in your relationship, since you will be responding differently to their “managing” of feelings. I’ve had many partners come alone to our support group, and in those 4 years, a good amount of them came back with their partners, and their partners’ shared “I was impressed with the level strength and capabilities my spouse learned, I came because I want to learn the same.”

The reality check.

In the end, both will have to be onboard. It makes things much easier if both partners are on board from the beginning to work on the relationship, but it is very common for one not to be. So it is doable to start on the journey alone, work on yourself, and your partner’s admiration of your growth will entice them naturally to follow.

I do discourage any long-term one-sided investments. You can’t be the only one to be investing in the relationship. Don’t wait your whole life for someone that is simply not worth it. Realize when it’s time to leave.

If you have close friends that are going through this, you can be a dear friend accompanying your friend to a local support group and showing your support to help them get through this. This is not wasted time if you do end up separated, because you may find yourself going into another relationship, and you don’t want the same patterns to emerge again.

 

 

 

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How To Not Be Taken For Granted In A Relationship

 

The violence that’s going on now in the world makes us aware that we can’t take anything for granted, including our most valuable relationships.

To take someone or something for granted, means to expect someone or something to always be available without having to give any recognition or thanks. 

We wanna know, how to not be taken for granted.
Although, I filmed today’s episode before Friday, I invite you to take a hold of your life and your relationships with new reins. As if leading a horse and carriage that represents your happiness.

I want you to be appreciated and validated. Not waste another minute without it.

I’m giving you the reins. I’m giving you the control to steer. And I’m showing you how to steer.

Today’s episode gives specific steps to take so you know how to not be taken for granted.

 

[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/XPViPi9AbyI” embed_style=”default”]

 

Tweet it! “We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” ~ Cynthia Ozick

After implementing the steps I’ve laid out for you today, I hope you’ll have gratitude-filled holidays!

Thank you for being part of our small community and being a ray of hope and love to those around you.

 

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Is It Time To Leave The Relationship?

 

 

What are the signs? What is the math? How can we tell if it is time to leave?

There is a formula relationship scientists use to measure the “ideal time” to break-up.

Let’s first look at the the interdepency theory by John Thibaut and Harold Kelley, where we compare the rewards and costs. If the costs are too high with few rewards it leads to a negative outcome and vice versa.

But let’s take this further with what we expect from our relationship to determine how happy we are in the relationship right now.

Outcomes – CL = Satisfaction or Dissatisfaction-2

CL is the abbreviation for comparison level. This is based on our past experiences and is how we measure our own happiness. If the outcomes exceed our comparison level (what we’ve experienced) then we’re happy because we’re getting more than what we expect at a minimum.

On the flip side, if the outcomes are below our CL, then we are not too happy. We are getting lower than the bare minimum to meet our specific needs.

Try it yourself.

Do you feel more joy or pain?

What are the current outcomes of your relationship and your comparison level? Does this formula ring true for you? Does it accurately represent how satisfied you are?

Is the level of happiness enough to know when it is time to leave? Is that the compass we need to make this decision?

Are we asking the wrong questions?

Let’s add to this formula, to answer the question: Is it time to leave?

Here is a new abbreviation, CLalt. Meaning, comparison level for alternatives, to know if there is a better option elsewhere. It’s comparing other options…noticing and acknowledging our alternative options.

What would our happiness be like if we weren’t in this relationship?

Would we be happier in a relationship with that person over there? Or is being alone sound much more appealing and desirable than staying with this person?

[title type=”fancy-h4″ color=””]This explains why we stay in unhappy relationships. Even though we’re unhappy, we think we’d be worse off if we left.[/title]

To complete the formula we must consider one more thing: Investments.

Social psychologist Caryl Rusbult discovered these are the things one would lose if we left. It can be relationships, spending less time with our children, property and tangibles, or respect from friends and family. This reduces CLalt, the desire of alternative options.

So the formula scientists use is:

Outcomes – CL = Satisfaction or Dissatisfaction-3

The bottom line is that people don’t divorce when they get unhappy; they divorce when, one way or the other, their prospects finally seem brighter elsewhere.

When the current outcomes has slipped below the appealing alternatives.

Now, don’t let the common myths fool you.

  1. “We don’t have enough in common.”
    • We will wander and waste our life pursuing an idealistic match that we hope will agree with us and understand our each and every need. The hard reality is we are all beautifully different, and we hold our own differences to complement each other.
  2. “We fight about the same thing over and over again.”
    • Perpetual problems are part of a relationship as much as your lungs are part of your body. In fact, 69% of our problems are irresolvable. We will argue about the same things over and over. We will disagree on the same subjects until death do us part. You just get better at managing it.

 

Ending this relationship to seek another where these things won’t happen will only lead to an even greater disappointment.

 

 

There is only one BIG question to ask to eliminate guessing and know if there is truly any hope.

It can only work when you answer it to somebody that doens’t already know the answer.

“How did you two meet?” OR “Why did you two get married?”

Either one will do. And when you both answer it, pay attention to the perception, not the facts. Who cares how you remember it versus to how they remember it. You want to see if the implications are negative or positive.

Couples that rewrote their stories of how they met or why they got married in a negative perspective, were among the ones that did not find reasons to fight for their relationship. Meaning, there was little hope if any to help these couples, no matter how much therapy or coaching given.

Allow to me more blunt.

It’s just NOT WORTH IT…

…when enduring some form of abuse. Not all abuse is physical and even physical abuse starts in subtle ways. There is no need to put yourself through that. I urge you to learn more.

I don’t want you to worry about the statistics.

People stay in unfulfilling relationships because they don’t want to be another statistic. We do fall into some kind of statistic, it’s the one you choose to fall into that matters. Either the one with ending a relationship or marriage, or the one with unhappily married.

Be a happily married statistic! Don’t settle for less. Many of my dear friends got out of unhappy and unhealthy relationships and are now remarried. There is nothing wrong in learning from a mistake, and starting over. You become your own hero when you rescue yourself and give yourself another chance to be happy.

Before you move on to the next relationship, there are life-or-death matters to keep in mind.

How can you avoid falling for the same person or same patterns of an unhealthy relationship?

If you return to the same patterns with a different person, it will be the death of your happiness and life (life is shortened when our bonds and connection are minimized and are unhealthy).

I’ve got a free simple guide you can DOWNLOAD HERE to help you detect what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

Allow yourself time to regroup and invest in yourself, stabilize yourself and prepare yourself to embrace a brighter future.

 

All relationships go through the usual wear-and-tear.

There have been massive studies to see how long your happiness lasts after you move in together, start a relationship, or get married. A big one was conducted in Germany that followed over 30,000 people for 18 years and found we get a boost of happiness when we get married, then it declines. The norm is 2 years after the wedding day, happiness declines.

Conflict and struggle is part of our relationships. We will irritate each other, annoy each other, and possibly even betray each other.

How do we manage this teeter-totter?

We rely on math, of course. Good ol’ stats.

John Gottman and Robert Levenson found the ideal ratio of positive to negative interactions to keep us satisfied in a close relationship, and that is 5:1. Five positives for every negative.

Why isn’t it 1:1? Just cancel out the negative with a positive?

It turns out that although we love rewards, we really detest losses. We easily remember the negative without any effort, so we need a good amount of positive to balance out the heavy weight of negativity.

To uplift our relationship, we must do more than simply avoid any unpleasantness, but focus on increasing the positive growth in creative ways. (Tweet that!)

Got questions? Send them on over and we’ll answer them in our blog or videos.

 

 

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The Intriguing Benefit of Relationships Based on Fear

Isn’t it scary to think we could be let down or ignored in our time of need by our most intimate relationships?

Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. It’s a private fear many of us have in common.

What could be the benefit of relationships based on fear?

Sometimes fear drives us to do the things we do every day. Like go to work to pay our bills and our rent or mortgage to not be evicted.

And A LOT of fear can give us a sense that we might lose control.

So we want do what we can to take it back.

We either submit to the demands of a relationship (with our partner, our mother, our relative, our friend) to avoid fracturing the relationship, because we love them and fear losing them. Or we place unreasonable limits in a relationship so we feel safe, because it would be too scary to cope alone.

When we are in a relationship based on fear, we think we will not lose them. That is the intriguing benefit.

We will continued to be loved because we are allowing our fear to take control. 

When in fact, control is an illusion. 

To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.-2

By trying to control another person, we may inadvertenly cause exactly what we feared!

So what does this mean?

I can never tell my partner that I feel disrespected when he goes out drinking with his buddies all night until 2am and his phone is turned off?

Or, am I to passively watch my partner spend our savings away without trying to take some control of our finances?

No, not at all!

There is a difference between control and influence. Choose wisely!

A partnership is a team—don’t forget that—and a team nudges, supports and influences each other to be the best they can be individually and as a team.

With respect and kindness, we influence each other. On some matters, our partner is more than willing, and on others they are not.

When you can’t agree, you are just in gridlock. You have not fallen out of love. It’s not a big deal.

Since 69% of our issues are unresolvable, there are ways to manage this and I teach couples just how to do this.

But, when a relationship is based on fear, we will not be able to have an open dialogue and work as a team, or influence.

  • Influencing is sublte, gentle, warm, and respecting of the other person’s decisions. It is meant to consider both parties.
  • Controlling is one-sided, based on fear, and an illusion.

You may feel in control, but in fact your fear is. Or perhaps your feelings?

The hardest thing to do is recognize our ways, and to reflect.

The biggest way to get to the root is to do Self-Inquiry. 

Ask yourself:

  • Do I let my partner manipulate me?
  • Do I use sublte tactics to control my partner?
  • Do I practice self-respect and set boundaries in my relationship?
  • Do I exercise control over my emotions and habits?

There is no secret formula, or no family better than the other, all it takes is you to decide and follow through.

All it takes is willpower!

See this as a quest and take on the challenge, because the intrinsic reward is of top value.

 

[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/79Tk0-cdH7E” embed_style=”default”]

 

 

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How to Make Someone Feel Validated

Why is it common that after a disagreement, after we’ve shown our disappointment and our frown to our partner, a minute later when a stranger is behind us and we hold the door open for them, we might give them a smile?

We end up being more cordial and show more kindness to strangers and acquaintances than our own partners who we really care about.

How is this possible?

It looks almost as though we care what others think. But we care so much about our partner, that we refuse to be hurt and display our disappointment through our words, body language or facial expression, but we really could care less if strangers or acquaintances let us down.

We are not attached to them as we are to our partners.

Then we seek some sort of validation from our partner, some sort of connection, and feel smacked down when we are denied it.

I encourage those seeking validation, to offer it first, before asking for it. After offering it, sometimes it is naturally reciprocated and you don’t even have to ask for it, but don’t despair if you have to be clear. Just because your partner needs it spelled out for them, doesn’t mean they care any less, that just means they need it spelled out for them. They may not be good mind readers. That’s all.

And let’s consider the most important key to any validation.

Each person has their own unique ways that they feel validated.

You are more likely to receive it the way you like it, when you lay all the cards on the table and are honest in what makes you feel validated.

 

The first step:

Is to appreciate something specific. As specific as you can get. None of that general, “I appreciate how kind you are.” Describe what exactly portrays them as kind.

The next step:

Is to acknowledge their current state when they are mildly expressing it. Say they lost something important from work. Instead of offering your eloquent advice or taking the moment to say another “I told you,” offer an acknowledgment of their feelings. Say, “bummer!” Don’t dismiss their setback, no matter how small.

The ultimate step:

Is to be their witness and support. Be their hero! It’s super easy. If you fall into the Mr. Fix-It helper, are you listening? There is only one way to be a hero, and it’s not fixing it, it’s understanding them! When they are in distress, and something more upsetting has overwhelmed your partner, you can seize the moment and reflect all the feelings you “believe” they are feeling. You just put yourself in their shoes for a moment, and imagine yourself feeling that way. Don’t be shy, feel confident, and make an effort to guess their feelings, allow your partner to correct you, and make another try until you get it. Be curious about what it is they are going through. It will be obvious to your partner that you are doing this, simply by your body language and eye contact. Even if you don’t get it all right, this lets them know you are validating their feelings, their existence!

 

I personally did this, and my husband said he was happy to validate me but felt no desire when I kept picking at him and putting a lot of pressure, so this method worked wonders. 

Now don’t take my word for it. Try one of these today. You won’t know if it truly works until you try.

 

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What To Do When Facing Regret

I’ve had moments where I’ve said the wrong thing or worse, and wish I could go back and rectify my mistake. Either because I hurt someone I care about, or I allowed someone to take advantage of me.

In my moment of deep shame, I fantasize of a time machine to repeat the scene (as if I hadn’t already in my mind) and change it.

Although I briefly mention in today’s video our attachment styles and personality being predictors of how we respond to life circumstances, that is definitely something to keep in mind. Our experiences are huge contributors to our responses, to the we respond when facing regret.

For me, it has always been important to not let my mom down. When I did, I had a knot in my stomach. That doesn’t necessarily mean my brother would, or any other girl my age at that moment in my shoes, would either.

I love that we are alike yet different. We all will feel regret, but not for the same reasons. 

The beauty about perfecting the psychology of the human mind, is that we can expand our understanding by studying what we share as humans and respect what we don’t.

Today I talk about the pervasive feeling of regret.

It can be an intense feeling, depending on the severity of the regrettable incident. Nonetheless, we all share this feeling.

With it comes feelings of shame, embarrassment, sadness, or anger.

It can take such a strong hold on us, so how do we face it?

How do we get control back?

 

 

 

Tweet it! Use escape or distraction to regroup, not as a chronic solution.

I found Helen Mirren to be brave admitting her regret on live television and reaching out for the man she got kicked off the subway. 

You can see her full story below.

 

[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/j6elgTWdRXw?t=1m45s” embed_style=”default” animation=”left-to-right”]
As always, I’m glad to see you are enjoying my videos/content and sharing amongst your friends.

 

 

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How To Stay Cool In An Argument

What is your habitual response, or automatic reaction, when provoked, hurt, and/or let down?

Depending on the severity of the situation, of course, we may have a bodily reaction when our feelings are intense—shortness of breath, faster heartbeat, heated body temperature, dryness in the mouth, and you get my drift.

After we’ve calmed down, we may self-reflect and wonder how to stay cool in an argument. 

The question is, more specifically, how to not respond with fight or flight, with our most primitive part of the brain, and rather in a calm way that activates our executive functioning of the brain?

Before I disclose the answer, I want to share something first.

Not sure if you’ve realized this, but why is it so common to react this way in our human nature?

Because it’s an ingrained habit in our brain. 

As with all habits, they become automatic.

Our brain contracts habits to use short cuts, without working itself too much, identifying a trigger to then react automatically and the brain doesn’t have to think, or use any activity in the frontal cortex as revealed in fMRI scans.

 

I had a friend that was to stop by my home after work—a very short drive—and she called me an hour later to tell me she wasn’t even thinking and accidentally drove all the way to her home.

We all do this!

Life would be so difficult and exhausting if we had to think every time on the techniques and step-by-step process of our daily routines—brushing our teeth, getting dressed, driving, even walking!

I share this because we often feel shame after we react strongly when upset, but there is nothing inhumane about it. 

We are just those that have not yet been taught how to handle ourselves when angry. As if we had never learned to ride a bike or drive a car.

Although, it’s rare to find an adult that doesn’t know how to ride a bike or drive a car, it’s common to find an adult that doesn’t know what or why they react with explosive anger.

We don’t receive much training for this in school. 

Luckily, we are starting to become aware of this and soon will see some changes in the schools—I hope!

All to say, we need to retrain our automatic pilot.

We need to retrain our reaction when angry.

 

The key is NOT to wait until it happens, that’s too late! 

There are practices to put in place for our brain to be relaxed and prepared.

These practices are called breathing and relaxation exercises.

Just as firefighters train before a fire occurs, we must train ourselves on how to put out (or contain) the fire within us, that can cause damage. (Tweet it!)

Now consider this: If we practice these relaxation techniques, our brain makes a short-cut so it doesn’t have to think, thus making it automatic.

So I’m not talking about a temporary fix, but an upgrade in life.

Access free guided relaxation exercises here.

Here are the rules:

  • Practice at the same time, every day. Giving your brain a trigger to relax.
  • The next time you encounter a reaction of explosiveness, self-reflect and write down the cues that triggers your emotions to set fire. Observe yourself.
  • Once you find the triggers, practice imagining yourself reacting in the ideal way you’d prefer.
  • When you get heated, stop immediately, take at least a 30 minute break (for your body to physically recover from fight-or-flight) and use at least 2 minutes to sit quietly and focus on your breath. Don’t use this time to prepare a rebuttal or think about how wronged you are. During this time you want to turn on the executive functioning in your brain, but you must relax in order to do that.

The Reality:

  • If you want long-lasting results, these practices are to become part of your regular routine.
  • It’s not a quick fix, it’s a permanent fix!

 

It’s almost seems too simple, or plain boring to do something like this.

I hear ya! It’s difficult to sit still, relax, and not think of other things, just focus on the breath.

It almost feels unnatural.

But, also does riding a bike. Or driving a car. Or, heck, driving a car in England, but I’m now getting the hang of it. Even though at first I was terrified.

At first impulse, I would reach for the seat belt from the wrong side, I would forget the shift is on my left, not right. In the beginning I had to focus and pay attention at all times that I was driving on the left side of the road. After a day of driving, I felt mentally exhausted.

So yes, these relaxation exercises may feel daunting and be mentally exhausting, but there is a bigger goal, a bigger reward!

As I’ve shared before, it was difficult for me to avoid bringing up an issue at night and I felt incapable going to sleep with unresolved conflict. Keeping my husband up at a very late hour.

I justified myself because I had been wronged, but this wasn’t getting the cooperation I needed. I was in fight or flight mode and wasn’t thinking rationally.

It’s been 7 years since then (that almost sounds like I’m speaking at an AA meeting).

I felt like a child. With no control of myself or the situation.

It completely changed the dynamics between me and my husband. He can trust me not to react harshly, or attack him as soon as I feel provoked.

It was easier for him to work on himself when I stopped placing all the blame on him for my anger.

It took us a solid 3 years to make new habits and set a high level of respect for each other, that it’s now become the norm.

There’s a certain level a peace no human should live without. Don’t you agree?

If you’re ready to dive in deeper, we have a program, Befriending Anger, that dives into this and more.