Relationship Educator
Ah, when the Honeymoon stage changes to the Disillusionment stage.
The natural process of a romantic relationship.
But what’s that 3rd and final stage?
Mature Love = The imperfections are seen realistically, fondly and affectionately. There is a higher level of respect, validation, and kindness.
Way better than the Honeymoon stage!
We hear so much about perseverance and getting what you want at all costs if you truly want it, but no one ever talks about annoyance. I made the mistake to generalize perseverance in many aspects of my life. In one instance, where it wasn’t prudent, I hassled my manager at the restaurant I worked for to promote me. I had been given the advice to keep requesting, kindly/gently/calmly until the person is so fed up hearing the request they just give in. I thought I could apply this in the work place, since the advice came from a higher up in the work place. Instead of just getting what I wanted, I fractured a friendship and annoyed the hell out of my manager. I moved on to training a bit uneasy because it went about the wrong way. I don’t ever like to be passive-aggressive, inauthentic, pushy, or demanding. It felt like pestering. And I think a good amount of us distance ourselves even more when we’re pestered. Even if the words aren’t negative, they still are pestering requests.
I often get requested to talk about this subject because it is frequently misunderstood.
We don’t want to chase down a dream and hand-cuff it until it stays put. We don’t want to convince someone to do something they don’t want to do, especially if they have clearly set boundaries—and you haven’t spoken to each other in more than 6 months (as recommended by therapists).
We’d much rather earn an endeavor with honor, earn someone’s trust with genuine effort, and earn a friend because we have been good to them.
We cannot demand or expect trust if we have not earned it.
Perseverance is a special word, saved for special times. I hear wonderful stories with perseverance of survival during hardships, enduring personal struggle to improve or overcome addiction, and many more that go hand in hand with bravery.
So any goal you may have for the new year, I hope you can find it, earn it, and receive it. If you do not receive it, I hope you can bravely part with that dream or wish and find the better one awaiting you.
Some contemplative questions I recommend are:
-Have I been pursuing a goal that can come off as too pushy or even push others away more?
-Have you felt annoyed or perhaps even harassed by someone’s insistence that has overstayed?
-What are your feelings when you pursue or “go after” something? Are they filled with excitement and fervor or do you feel fear, concern and angst?
This is not to say we all aren’t guilty of pestering or nagging our partners, our kids, our siblings, or our friends. We are human and have bad days. I mean the chronically present “request” in every interaction or approach. When I was trying to get promoted at the restaurant, I focused on this advice blindly that my interactions with my manager dwindled down to only speaking of my “request” (demand).
Don’t let the ambition of whatever it is you want take away your integrity and respect for yourself and others. It’s gonna happen, we are all imperfect, I say we shall be mindful and pay attention where we can be less pushy, more accepting, less demanding, more respectful, less of a taker and more helpful.