“I don’t want to make things worse,” is the fear we face when wanting to address an issue.
But what can be worse than living with the problem and never resolving it. Usually, when it’s not resolved, it snowballs into something bigger, something even more worse than confronting it.
In my experience, couples that come to therapy or a coaching session, even the ones that say “my partner is in denial,” are aware they need help managing their feelings better, and are open to learning how to do it better. Your partner is also trying to make sense of things in their own way, the only way they know how to cope, and you are not the only one feeling frustrated or insecure.
There is a Spanish saying in Mexico, “no se puede tapar el sol con un dedo,” as we lift our thumbs.
Translation: You can’t cover the sun with one [thumb].
We are decieving ourselves if we think we can. That’s an illusion. (We become exhausted holding our arm up to keep the sun covered as it moves throughout the day.)
What’s more, we are making an unsatisfying commitment to keep the issues present, knicking at us, pestering us, and weighing us down.
Having a third person present can soften the intenisty of a conflict and secures that both of you have a chance to speak and be heard respectfully.
The possible ways our partner shows they aren’t on board to solve an issue:
- Denial: refusing to admit or acknowledge our mistakes.
We either conveniently forget or bluntly dismiss our own wrongdoings. Sadly, we manipulate the situation to say we didn’t mean it or “it’s normal.” In reality, when one person is hurt, we cannot deny they are hurt, or the cause of it didn’t happen. It takes a lot of courage to say, “what I did caused you pain.” It doesn’t mean we have to agree, or that it would cause us the same amount of pain, but being in a relationship calls for a certain amount of compassion. Meaning, to recognize the pain and what caused it. We each feel pain for different reasons, thus, accepting this puts you ahead of the game, because it’s difficult to comprehend or understand someone else’s reasons for their pain, when we can’t relate. News flash! We rarely share the same reasons, just as 2 children with the same autistic diagnosis don’t share all the same traits. We possess individual differences, and learning to respect each other’s reasons for pain, laughter, sadness, repulsion, and joy, is the healthiest way to embrace each other.
- Minimizing: to reduce the issue to the smallest possible amount or degree.
Many of us have done this in hot need, regardless of our good or bad intentions. As I mentioned in denial, the problem may not cause the same amount of pain as it does to our partner, so the issue seems small on its own. To treat it as such when it’s obvious our partner feels it one of the highest forms of treason, then we are minimizing and ignoring our partner’s feelings—not entirely, we acknowledge a small degree.
- Blaming: placing full responsibility on another to reduce their shame and guilt.
It is dreadful to be smothered in muddy shame and to be reminded of our stupidity. No thanks, I’d rather throw the mud on someone else. We don’t want to be defeated and walk the parade of shame. It’s uncomfortable and it causes so much despair.
- Rationalizing: offering an explanation or reason to provide an excuse.
We can get so clever at giving a rational explanation it sounds almost logical. There’s no way our partner can fight against it, because we’ve shared it in a way that makes perfect sense. Although later, our partner will reflect and realize that it’s not right at all. It can be dangerous when the partner compares themselves to others as better then other partners to excuse his/her abuse. There is simply no excuse or good reason for abuse. But just because they aren’t hitting you, doesn’t mean ignoring you can have good rational explanation. If you feel betrayed, then explanations do not suffice, only solutions.
When your partner doesn’t think there is anything wrong with the relationship.
If our partner is content with the way things are, or doesn’t want to open up a can of worms, we might be worried they will dismiss getting any help. Or as some couples I’ve worked with, consistently refuse to get any help. There is a fear that opening the can of worms will be much more petrifying than just leaving things the way they are now. Yes, the unknown is scary. Facing our darkest emotions is horrifying. That we cannot rush. We can only be encouraing and patient.
I have worked with couples with all approaches, and it often turns out to be more relieving than it was anticipated.
It’s best to check up on the relationship, instead of waiting when it’s too late, or things are just much much harder.
Kristen Bell recommends regular therapy sessions as with her experience, counseling check ups feel like having a trainer at the gym, or a recipe for cooking. I find it a little more vital than that, such as a regular teeth cleaning, or an oil change. That’s just my perception. That may be because it felt like medicine when our problems were so bad.
When your partner doesn’t believe in counseling.
We get skeptical when there are so many poor reports on marital counseling. It’s not highly regarded and yes, it was based on opinion for too long.
There can be many reasons they aren’t interested to seek counseling. Perhaps they had a bad experience, don’t feel comfortable sharing personal stuff with a stranger, or believe that relationships are either ‘meant to be’ or not.
It’s best to test it out without making a commitment.
Test different therapists and interview them before deciding on one. If therapy is not what you’re looking for, join a local support group where you will meet others that are in the same boat as you.
It’s intersting how we think we are the only ones going through these struggles and then we meet others with the same concerns.
The one thing you can do right now.
Let them know you love them and want to work on the relationship, but sometimes you are unsure how to do that and you need the help. Don’t say they need the help. You just need their support on seeking help, if they can join you.
If they decide not to join you, you can learn on your own.
When you go by yourself, that may be enough to spark a change in your relationship, since you will be responding differently to their “managing” of feelings. I’ve had many partners come alone to our support group, and in those 4 years, a good amount of them came back with their partners, and their partners’ shared “I was impressed with the level strength and capabilities my spouse learned, I came because I want to learn the same.”
The reality check.
In the end, both will have to be onboard. It makes things much easier if both partners are on board from the beginning to work on the relationship, but it is very common for one not to be. So it is doable to start on the journey alone, work on yourself, and your partner’s admiration of your growth will entice them naturally to follow.
I do discourage any long-term one-sided investments. You can’t be the only one to be investing in the relationship. Don’t wait your whole life for someone that is simply not worth it. Realize when it’s time to leave.
If you have close friends that are going through this, you can be a dear friend accompanying your friend to a local support group and showing your support to help them get through this. This is not wasted time if you do end up separated, because you may find yourself going into another relationship, and you don’t want the same patterns to emerge again.
