Betrayal is a common synonym with affair. Yet, there are many ways we betray our partner, or feel betrayed by our partner, that feels as bad as an extramarital affair.
The danger is when neither of them recognize it by swearing their faithfulness and misplace the marital issues on causes of negativity, communication or problem solving. When in fact, there are other sources of infidelity and betrayal that are at the cause of it. No matter how much you talk about it, it won’t prevent divorce unless the cause is identified.
Let’s uncover all the ways we may be unfaithful as identified thus far, thanks to Dr. John Gottman from his book What Makes Love Last?.
1. Conditional Commitment
“I’m here for you … until someone better comes along.” This isn’t unusual when pressures to marry or cohabitate exist. The commitment is limited by the person, because they aren’t invested. It can be because of convenience or pressure that they are in the relationship.
2. A Nonsexual Affair
Having a friend (at work, at the gym, at the coffee shop) with who you share personal details that your current partner would feel uncomfortable with.
3. Lying
This begins, sometimes, to avoid arguments, so secrets are kept (when giving money away to a dependent relative). “Lies that are uttered to maintain the peace are a breach of trust,” says Gottman. If the person is a chronic liar, then a psychotherapist can help break the habit.
4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner
Sharing personal complaints about your partner with relatives or friends can form the unintended consequence of bullying your partner. It’s important to keep silent on marital conflict and not involve those that will use that information against your partner.
5. Absenteeism or Coldness
During a time of emotional need, when one needs the other’s support (for positive or negative) and the person is unavailable or simply not present. Then responding with coldness by not sharing feelings of abandonment. Here both partners participate in betrayal.
6. Withdrawal of Sexual Interest
If the simple weekend away, candles, wine, and massages aren’t putting you back on track, there are deeper issues interrupting satisfying a need. Negatively comparing a partner’s weight, attractiveness, age, etc., are damaging and a big “turn off” to the injured. In any case, withdrawing is an injury in itself.
7. Disrespect
Giving the implication of inferiority is a form of betrayal and emotional abuse. This involves correcting grammar, criticizing, rolling eyes, name calling, implying their lack of intelligence, and anything to clarify how above you are the other person.
8. Unfairness
Although we teach our kids, life is unfair, and it is, Gottman explicitly says: “a loving, long-term relationship should be a haven from injustice. This is not a Pollyanna attitude. It’s a fundamental of love.” Nurture your relationship by not taking advantage of your partner.
9. Selfishness
Co-existing requires adaptation and flexibility. When refusing to making sacrifices needed for the benefit of the relationship or family (if you have children) can be a sign of deep-seated needs and fears.
10. Breaking Promises
“A broken vow is as perilous to love as an intentional lie.” It’s much better to be honest and upfront than to hide and jeopardize the trust you have already earned. It’s difficult and straining when addiction governs a person, because promises to “change” doesn’t follow through the betrayal is heavily burdened each time for the partner.
All these types of betrayal weigh on a relationship and stress levels sky-rocket. But when you work on trust, rebuilding it, and maintaining it, then a safe and happy relationship will easily develop. You can learn more in What Makes Love Last?