Category: Sticky Issues

Isn’t it scary to think we could be let down or ignored in our time of need by our most intimate relationships?

Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. It’s a private fear many of us have in common.

What could be the benefit of relationships based on fear?

Sometimes fear drives us to do the things we do every day. Like go to work to pay our bills and our rent or mortgage to not be evicted.

And A LOT of fear can give us a sense that we might lose control.

So we want do what we can to take it back.

We either submit to the demands of a relationship (with our partner, our mother, our relative, our friend) to avoid fracturing the relationship, because we love them and fear losing them. Or we place unreasonable limits in a relationship so we feel safe, because it would be too scary to cope alone.

When we are in a relationship based on fear, we think we will not lose them. That is the intriguing benefit.

We will continued to be loved because we are allowing our fear to take control. 

When in fact, control is an illusion. 

By trying to control another person, we may inadvertenly cause exactly what we feared!

So what does this mean?

I can never tell my partner that I feel disrespected when he goes out drinking with his buddies all night until 2am and his phone is turned off?

Or, am I to passively watch my partner spend our savings away without trying to take some control of our finances?

No, not at all!

There is a difference between control and influence. Choose wisely!

A partnership is a team—don’t forget that—and a team nudges, supports and influences each other to be the best they can be individually and as a team.

With respect and kindness, we influence each other. On some matters, our partner is more than willing, and on others they are not.

When you can’t agree, you are just in gridlock. You have not fallen out of love. It’s not a big deal.

Since 69% of our issues are unresolvable, there are ways to manage this and I teach couples just how to do this.

But, when a relationship is based on fear, we will not be able to have an open dialogue and work as a team, or influence.

• Influencing is sublte, gentle, warm, and respecting of the other person’s decisions. It is meant to consider both parties.

• Controlling is one-sided, based on fear, and an illusion.

You may feel in control, but in fact your fear is. Or perhaps your feelings?

The hardest thing to do is recognize our ways, and to reflect.

The biggest way to get to the root is to do Self-Inquiry. 

Ask yourself:

• Do I let my partner manipulate me?
• Do I use sublte tactics to control my partner?
• Do I practice self-respect and set boundaries in my relationship?
• Do I exercise control over my emotions and habits?

There is no secret formula, or no family better than the other, all it takes is you to decide and follow through.

All it takes is willpower!

See this as a quest and take on the challenge, because the intrinsic reward is of top value.

 

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Betrayal is a common synonym with affair. Yet, there are many ways we betray our partner, or feel betrayed by our partner, that feels as bad as an extramarital affair.

The danger is when neither of them recognize it by swearing their faithfulness and misplace the marital issues on causes of negativity, communication or problem solving. When in fact, there are other sources of infidelity and betrayal that are at the cause of it. No matter how much you talk about it, it won’t prevent divorce unless the cause is identified.

Let’s uncover all the ways we may be unfaithful as identified thus far, thanks to Dr. John Gottman from his book What Makes Love Last?.

1. Conditional Commitment

“I’m here for you … until someone better comes along.” This isn’t unusual when pressures to marry or cohabitate exist. The commitment is limited by the person, because they aren’t invested. It can be because of convenience or pressure that they are in the relationship.

2. A Nonsexual Affair

Having a friend (at work, at the gym, at the coffee shop) with who you share personal details that your current partner would feel uncomfortable with.

3. Lying

This begins, sometimes, to avoid arguments, so secrets are kept (when giving money away to a dependent relative). “Lies that are uttered to maintain the peace are a breach of trust,” says Gottman. If the person is a chronic liar, then a psychotherapist can help break the habit.

4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner

Sharing personal complaints about your partner with relatives or friends can form the unintended consequence of bullying your partner. It’s important to keep silent on marital conflict and not involve those that will use that information against your partner.

5. Absenteeism or Coldness

During a time of emotional need, when one needs the other’s support (for positive or negative) and the person is unavailable or simply not present. Then responding with coldness by not sharing feelings of abandonment. Here both partners participate in betrayal.

6. Withdrawal of Sexual Interest

If the simple weekend away, candles, wine, and massages aren’t putting you back on track, there are deeper issues interrupting satisfying a need. Negatively comparing a partner’s weight, attractiveness, age, etc., are damaging and a big “turn off” to the injured. In any case, withdrawing is an injury in itself.

7. Disrespect

Giving the implication of inferiority is a form of betrayal and emotional abuse. This involves correcting grammar, criticizing, rolling eyes, name calling, implying their lack of intelligence, and anything to clarify how above you are the other person.

8. Unfairness

Although we teach our kids, life is unfair, and it is, Gottman explicitly says: “a loving, long-term relationship should be a haven from injustice. This is not a Pollyanna attitude. It’s a fundamental of love.” Nurture your relationship by not taking advantage of your partner.

9. Selfishness

Co-existing requires adaptation and flexibility. When refusing to making sacrifices needed for the benefit of the relationship or family (if you have children) can be a sign of deep-seated needs and fears.

10. Breaking Promises

“A broken vow is as perilous to love as an intentional lie.” It’s much better to be honest and upfront than to hide and jeopardize the trust you have already earned. It’s difficult and straining when addiction governs a person, because promises to “change” doesn’t follow through the betrayal is heavily burdened each time for the partner.

 

All these types of betrayal weigh on a relationship and stress levels sky-rocket. But when you work on trust, rebuilding it, and maintaining it, then a safe and happy relationship will easily develop. You can learn more in What Makes Love Last?