Isn’t it scary to think we could be let down or ignored in our time of need by our most intimate relationships?
Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. It’s a private fear many of us have in common.
What could be the benefit of relationships based on fear?
Sometimes fear drives us to do the things we do every day. Like go to work to pay our bills and our rent or mortgage to not be evicted.
And A LOT of fear can give us a sense that we might lose control.
So we want do what we can to take it back.
We either submit to the demands of a relationship (with our partner, our mother, our relative, our friend) to avoid fracturing the relationship, because we love them and fear losing them. Or we place unreasonable limits in a relationship so we feel safe, because it would be too scary to cope alone.
When we are in a relationship based on fear, we think we will not lose them. That is the intriguing benefit.
We will continued to be loved because we are allowing our fear to take control.
When in fact, control is an illusion.
By trying to control another person, we may inadvertenly cause exactly what we feared!
So what does this mean?
I can never tell my partner that I feel disrespected when he goes out drinking with his buddies all night until 2am and his phone is turned off?
Or, am I to passively watch my partner spend our savings away without trying to take some control of our finances?
No, not at all!
There is a difference between control and influence. Choose wisely!
A partnership is a team—don’t forget that—and a team nudges, supports and influences each other to be the best they can be individually and as a team.
With respect and kindness, we influence each other. On some matters, our partner is more than willing, and on others they are not.
When you can’t agree, you are just in gridlock. You have not fallen out of love. It’s not a big deal.
Since 69% of our issues are unresolvable, there are ways to manage this and I teach couples just how to do this.
But, when a relationship is based on fear, we will not be able to have an open dialogue and work as a team, or influence.
- Influencing is sublte, gentle, warm, and respecting of the other person’s decisions. It is meant to consider both parties.
- Controlling is one-sided, based on fear, and an illusion.
You may feel in control, but in fact your fear is. Or perhaps your feelings?
The hardest thing to do is recognize our ways, and to reflect.
The biggest way to get to the root is to do Self-Inquiry.
Ask yourself:
- Do I let my partner manipulate me?
- Do I use sublte tactics to control my partner?
- Do I practice self-respect and set boundaries in my relationship?
- Do I exercise control over my emotions and habits?
There is no secret formula, or no family better than the other, all it takes is you to decide and follow through.
All it takes is willpower!
See this as a quest and take on the challenge, because the intrinsic reward is of top value.
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