These relationship rules are still, sadly, penetrating our minds today. Even though there is so much available proof that they don’t work!
Ignore the antiquated love rules. These are 7 relationship rules to break, for the unavoidable reasons below.
For the sake of romance, happiness, and sanity…you’ve gotta break these relationship rules.
[video_embed url=”https://youtu.be/rexUlOvImjc” embed_style=”default”]
Rule #1: If my partner really loved me….they wouldn’t let me down.
Reality Check: We’re going to let each other down—no matter how much we love each other. That’s a fact.
Break it like this: With time we learn what pains us or simply irritates us. This information helps us consider our partner and reduce the damage. If we dont’ share what hurts us, then we are keeping the door open for it to surely happen. Then again, even if we tell our partner—or remind them every month to make sure they know—we will forget, we get lazy, we will put ourselves first, or we will do it deliberately. If we fall apart every time this happens, it will be difficult to strengthen the relationship. One fall, does not determine your relationship. If heavy disappointment is a regular part of your life as much as coffee, then this is more than the usual let down healthy couples make. Don’t allow yourself to be deserving of constant battles. This rule-breaker is to calm the anxiety of an infrequent let down, not to convince you to be submissive to heartache.
Rule #2: Don’t be jealous. It’s a sign of insecurity.
Reality Check: We all have insecurities. We are all insecure for different reasons.
Break it like this: There is plenty of advice for women to not get overly jealous, assuming she’s insecure. News flash: insecurities are nothing to be ashamed of. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but hear me out. We deserve a partner that will accept us, seek to understand us, and be sensitive to our concerns. Both partner’s concerns and needs are equally important. One partner’s concerns or insecurities aren’t less important than their partner’s. We would be hiding who we really are if we just show our most appealing side. It’s easy to love someone that is genuine. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into thinking your insecure and your partner has reasons not to trust you. Jealousy, or any insecurity, is a sign that a need hasn’t been met. Do some soul-searching to find out what that need might be.
Rule #3: Fighting ends up in Divorce.
Reality Check: Having a fight every so often is fine. Daily screaming matches is not!
Break it like this: A healthy couple will have a good match, screaming even, in rare occasion. Usually, they can stick to a respectful discussion that doesn’t allow negativity or attacks. Depending on how you define “fighting,” it is healthy to disclose an issue gently, and not avoid confrontation all together. Sweeping things under the rug to ‘keep the peace’ is not only risking the well-being of your relationship but also your own physical health. No matter how much you exercise and practice good nutrition, bottling up your anger and resentment is as if you weren’t doing any exercise or healthy eating. Conflict and confrontation is necessary to be aired out when both partners agree to talk calmly and make an effort to work things out. Or else it feels like a lost cause, and romantic feelings for each other evaporate with the hope of solving issues.
Rule #4: Treat others (your partner in this case) the way you want to be treated.
Reality check: Don’t assume your partner likes things the same way you do. The quotes from the couple in the video are from my husband and me.
Break it like this: Instead, in a romantic relationship, treat your partner the way they want to be treated. For some reason, we go out of our way to do something for our partner, something we would like done for us, and feel a tad, or drastically, resentful when we don’t get a little love back for what we did. My husband is a thorough cleaner and use to think that would bring some appreciation, but I hardly noticed, instead I noticed he wasn’t making any candlelit dinners for special occasions—perhaps he was tired from all that cleaning. Once we figured this out, it’s been a growing process for the both of us.
Rule #5: Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus.
Reality check: We’re both from Earth.
Break it like this: There are for sure differences, but not as many as you think, or as the popular book lays out. The book is not based on research, but has a few good points. There is just a big piece missing. All the similarities that we do share. When both genders were asked in a large survey what they would like to find in a lifemate, there weren’t any notable differences. It’s dangerous to generalize a gender into one category. Thinking there are inapproachable differences and feeling your on opposing teams only feeds conflict and hopelessness.
Rule #6: Play hard to get
Reality check: One key component to intimacy is personal sharing. Playing hard to get prevents that.
Break it like this: Couples who practice more personal sharing are happier, enjoy better health, like each other more than those who don’t. Our brain responds to personal sharing the same way we respond to food and sex. How’s that for intimacy and bonding?
Intimacy is a product of having acceptance and support for our needs and desires. If dating someone doesn’t spark acceptance when you share personal things, then intimacy cannot grow. If you avoid them then there isn’t an opportunity for personal sharing, therefore, interest can fade and they know very little about you. You can keep some mystery, don’t give away the farm, but if you act like you’re too busy, you look aloof. We naturally share when others share. You want your partner to tell you things they doesn’t share with anyone else. But they won’t tell you anything if they believe you are simply not interested.
Rule #7: Don’t talk about the kids during date nights.
Reality check: Talking about the kids does not create distance.
Break it like this: Talk about whatever you want to talk about. If you’re parents, then it’s only natural that you want to talk about this new endeavor you both share as a team. Remember, personal sharing builds intimacy. If you’re not talking about your dreams of the future, that obviously involve the kids, then that leaves you with limited options for intimacy. Cheating sometimes begins with confiding and sharing with someone that doesn’t react with judgment. If you’re not sharing with each other, then you leave an opportunity to share with someone else.
On Valentine’s Day a few years back, my husband and I went to Il Fornaio in Irvine for a romantic evening, but we weren’t in the mood. Earlier that day, we had come to the conclusion that our son would be homeschooled. There was a lack of involvement from the school and we had tried several at this point. His safety was a big concern. How could we get in the mood with something like this on our shoulders. All we talked about was our concerns, our worries, our hopes, our desires. After dinner we had planned to watch Silver Linings Playbook, and we decided to go anyway. The film was a sweet reminder of the silver lining in our lives, no matter how gray the clouds are. Perfect timing for the film to be released. Obviously, for my own selfish reasons. By the end of the night, we both felt supported—not alone facing this ordeal—and full of hope because we have each other. What could be more romantic than feeling that your partner is there beside you, taking on the challenge with you?
There is a simple theme going on with these relationship rules to break. Knowing your partner.
If you feel like you barely know your partner, and it’s been some time, then what’s holding you back? Or them back?
I encourage all the couples I work with to be CURIOUS.
Find out more about your partner. Go behind the surface with love and gentleness, so you will be invited all the way in.
If you don’t, someone else will.
Not everybody will allow this. There are some of us that don’t feel comfortable at all opening up, so it’s granted we won’t even cheat. But who knows what could happen if you make things comfortable, unforced and safe?
Tell me, would you add to this list? Or is there one rule-breaker that truly speaks to you?