Why is it common that after a disagreement, after we’ve shown our disappointment and our frown to our partner, a minute later when a stranger is behind us and we hold the door open for them, we might give them a smile?
We end up being more cordial and show more kindness to strangers and acquaintances than our own partners who we really care about.
How is this possible?
It looks almost as though we care what others think. But we care so much about our partner, that we refuse to be hurt and display our disappointment through our words, body language or facial expression, but we really could care less if strangers or acquaintances let us down.
We are not attached to them as we are to our partners.
Then we seek some sort of validation from our partner, some sort of connection, and feel smacked down when we are denied it.
I encourage those seeking validation, to offer it first, before asking for it. After offering it, sometimes it is naturally reciprocated and you don’t even have to ask for it, but don’t despair if you have to be clear. Just because your partner needs it spelled out for them, doesn’t mean they care any less, that just means they need it spelled out for them. They may not be good mind readers. That’s all.
And let’s consider the most important key to any validation.
Each person has their own unique ways that they feel validated.
You are more likely to receive it the way you like it, when you lay all the cards on the table and are honest in what makes you feel validated.
The first step:
Is to appreciate something specific. As specific as you can get. None of that general, “I appreciate how kind you are.” Describe what exactly portrays them as kind.
The next step:
Is to acknowledge their current state when they are mildly expressing it. Say they lost something important from work. Instead of offering your eloquent advice or taking the moment to say another “I told you,” offer an acknowledgment of their feelings. Say, “bummer!” Don’t dismiss their setback, no matter how small.
The ultimate step:
Is to be their witness and support. Be their hero! It’s super easy. If you fall into the Mr. Fix-It helper, are you listening? There is only one way to be a hero, and it’s not fixing it, it’s understanding them! When they are in distress, and something more upsetting has overwhelmed your partner, you can seize the moment and reflect all the feelings you “believe” they are feeling. You just put yourself in their shoes for a moment, and imagine yourself feeling that way. Don’t be shy, feel confident, and make an effort to guess their feelings, allow your partner to correct you, and make another try until you get it. Be curious about what it is they are going through. It will be obvious to your partner that you are doing this, simply by your body language and eye contact. Even if you don’t get it all right, this lets them know you are validating their feelings, their existence!
I personally did this, and my husband said he was happy to validate me but felt no desire when I kept picking at him and putting a lot of pressure, so this method worked wonders.
Now don’t take my word for it. Try one of these today. You won’t know if it truly works until you try.