Can you imagine listening to every thought people had?
At first you might be thinking, what a great opportunity! It might be something embarrassing or humorous to hear each other’s thoughts.
Then of course, it might be overwhelming.
We may not want to hear every single thought. It might be startling to know what people really think of us.
Yet, we want to be understood and we want to understand what the other person’s thoughts are behind their message or body language.
If we could just read minds, maybe we would avoid misunderstandings and know already what the other person wants. Well, that would be impossible. We, ourselves, don’t even know what we want sometimes.
The powerful trick I’m talking of is used for CONNECTION. We call it EMPATHY.
It’s being able to see how the other person perceives things with the way they grew up and the people that have been in their lives and the experiences they’ve had.
When you can listen and hear the thoughts and feelings that are NOT said behind a simple message, you are using the powerful tool of empathy.
When you not only understand it and tune in, but also comment about it, you become the hero of validation!
Here is the step-by-step process of tuning in and sharing with empathy:
- Pick a topic that gives you positive or negative feelings, nothing neutral.
- Sit comfortably, facing each other, leaning in attentively. Hold hands if you’d like.
- Allow one person to share first
- Find the underlining feelings behind the message, as you listen.
- Ask them to pause when they are sharing more than you can remember to repeat back.
- Repeat back in your own words what they said with the underlining feelings you believe. (Allow them to correct you)
- If the underlining feelings were off base, accept the correction and repeat back with the correct underlining feelings.
- Ask if there is more, with a body language and tone of voice that shows curiosity.
- Repeat steps 4-8, until they are finished.
- When finished, share an appreciation to encourage future sharing and your ongoing support.
- Switch roles. Or schedule a time for the next person’s turn. If you didn’t finish in one sitting, schedule another time to finish.
Example:
Jane: It’s about work. I feel that I put in more hours and work the longest, while everyone is having a good time.
Joe: I hear that you are overwhelmed and feel that all your work is worthless. It’s seems like they don’t appreciate you. (Not changing the message, but using own words and finding deeper, vulnerable words [overwhelmed, worthless] to show it is safe to share and it won’t be judged. Remember that body language and tone of voice have to be gentle and kind.)
Jane: Yeah. I can’t seem to make my boss happy. He is always so upset. Then I come home and I see you drinking coffee while you work at home and spend more time with our son.
Joe: Ah, I can see how being stepped on all day can feel deflating. And it must feel like a difficult sacrifice when you can’t spend as much time with our son as you’d like. It’s stressful to be the only one with a heavy burden.
Jane: Yes, thank you for understanding. (She is finished sharing and is most likely open to suggestions)
Joe: I don’t want you to feel alone in this problem. You can quit your job and find something at home. We can do fine with my job alone, just a little tight, but your happiness is more important.
Jane: I guess I’m scared to leave. Well, I was, because I thought you wouldn’t like that idea.
Joe: I don’t think you should put yourself through that.
Jane: Thank you honey!
When you try it at home, start with a topic that doesn’t involve the other person, as you build friendship, trust, and connection, it’s easier to show understanding when the problem isn’t attacking the listener.
After tuning into each other, you’ll be spinning in delight.
(Images from Roshulstumblr)
It’s so important to communicate with each other when you are in a relationship.